Pattih's Cancer Blog
CT Results
I haven’t blogged in some time and I feel like this could get a little long….
You know I think that I have just wanted all of this (cancer business) to “go away”, but it seems it just isn’t. In December I had my one-year CT post chemo. I was expecting another “all clear”. It wasn’t to be this time. Something called a “ground glass nodule” was found in my right lung. My oncologist says that because of its size, it will need to be followed, meaning that in six months I have to have another CT specifically to compare density, size, etc. of this anomaly. Damn it. Possibilities range from different cancers to scar tissue from previous lung infections. And no way to tell until the follow up CT apparently.
I have been trying to have the attitude that I won’t worry until someone tells me I have to worry. Unfortunately I just seem to be made differently than that. I think about it all the time. It’s like I’m holding my breath until June. Both my oncologist and GP have said that it’s “probably” nothing – but that is what the gastroenterologist told me when they took out the small mass/polyp that turned out to be DLBC Lymphoma. So I have to have faith on the one hand that all will be ok, but on the other be realistic that it just may not be at all.
These long winter days are hard enough for me. I suppose I am one of those folks with seasonal affective disorder, because I just get depressed as heck this time of year, and sometimes for no reason other than having to walk the dog in the snow and cold. It’s unreasonable I am aware, and some days I feel positively inconsolable. It’s not enough that I spend my days largely alone, but now I am waiting on the proverbial “other shoe to drop”.
In December I suffered an injury to my right thigh too – on New Year’s Eve I was out snowmobiling in northern Wisconsin for a day with my husband and nephew and rolled that machine on a slope. I was pinned under it by the handlebar grip and couldn’t push the machine off of me with the other leg, so just laid there yelling for help and in tremendous pain until John and Mike came running from opposite directions and hauled it off of me. I thought I could have broken my leg, but it turned out to be a very deep tissue bruise. Now it’s no longer all the colors of the rainbow, but I have a grapefruit sized lump that is quite painful that I’m told could be there a year or longer. Egads.
So right now I am all kinds of physically and emotionally beat up. I haven’t blogged about it or really even talked about it much with anyone, as my usual reaction to trauma of any kind is to internalize it. But I am having a bit of a mental crisis and just am not coping well at all. I’m worried sick that the little thing in my lung is not so little after all, and that the reason I’m not healing from the deep bruise is related. That’s probably nonsense, but it’s keeping me awake at night all the same. I do know my white blood count is considered normal, but it’s at the very lowest end of normal. Hmmm.
I know there are SO many others with worries and problems SO much worse than mine. I feel guilty even that I’m complaining. It’s just been such a long time since I felt truly happy and full of vitality and hope. And this is not all related to having had cancer – it’s finances, strained marriage, being the caretaker for everyone but myself, etc. along with waiting on that other shoe. I just put my feet forward and push on each day, but lately it feels like I’m walking through thick mud and quicksand. I just want to cope better and have things go more smoothly. Augh. It doesn’t seem much to ask, you know?
Thanks for listening my friends. You all have saved me before and I guess I’m asking for help again.
With gratitude,
Patti
Hi Patti,
I will be sending you prayers that all will come out well with your follow up scan in 6 months. That is good self advice to not worry until someone tells you too worry as you need to enjoy all the time you are given as best as you can. Easier said than done I am sure, but also very little choice to do anything else. I also get a bit of depression during these winter months here in Wisconsin. It sounds like snowmobiling would have been a good way of coping with it and providing enjoyment though. Sorry to hear that you got injured doing that. It’s good to see you blogging though. I’ve also felt the same way about thinking that there are others probably going through worse, but it’s also nice just to know that people are still doing well after going through all this and we all go through various things in life and as part of our new normal.
Take Care,
Jeff
Posted on Hi Patti,
Sorry to hear that you’ve been having a rough time lately, with the questionable CT and your leg injury. I think its a special level of paranoia that comes with a cancer diagnosis, the back-of-your-mind lurking thoughts that know just how bad the news can get, and how suddenly things can go horribly, horribly wrong.
Like Jeff, I’m sending prayers that this glitch in your lung is nothing to worry about, and that it will all come out well at your follow up scan. I think it is easy to get depressed (or more depressed)in gloomy winter. There is something uplifting about a sunny warm day. Its a shame you got hurt trying to make some fun out of the winter weather.
Have you tried arnica or Lasonil on your bruise remains? Deep tissue bruising can take ages to clear, and either of those products are good at breaking up old bruising – I’ve used Lasonil before when I broke my ankle, the bruising went down to the bone & was horrific but the Lasonil helped it to clear up.
I’m sending warm summer thoughts your way too – we’re in the middle of summer here in Oz, and today it is 100 degrees Farenheit, so we have the opposite problem!
Take care and look after yourself.
Hugs,
Kat
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